Well Here I am, Smoking a Foil as I Write…

A personal story about meth addiction submitted by a reader of this blog:

Well here i am , smoking a foil as I write wanting to be clean eventually but right now (just got off work early and have the house my boyfriend and I share -all to myself)couldn’t be as happy as i am without my just purchased bag of meth. Another dealer called me and has a different type of meth so i shall spend 50-having just spent 60 and I have 5 bars of Xanax, a pack of cigs, some good weed and some diet coke. All set for my weekend alone and although i could easily be with people even my son-I would rather be alone with meth and all my art projects, computer, books, etc. I would love to have my son around-actually it helps b/c i don’t do it in front of him so it makes getting too tweaked out not a threat b/c I have to sneak a little when he is bathing or outside, etc.

Although I have lost my career (as an RN), my husband of 17 1/2 years and most all of my possessions, my credit, my beautiful sports car, and above all -full custody of my son and the respect people had for me I still continue to do meth. People in my life kind of know i play with it-they think every now and then-they have no idea i use it everyday and have about a 3-400 hundered dollar a week habit-plus I take methadone b/c i was addicted to Lortab. I am very good at my job and make almost no mistakes. My family and friends don’t think that people that do as many drugs as i do could function better than they do sober yet i have found a way after initially losing everything. I have a very respectable boyfriend-he is a broker and i am managing a very successful business that belongs to my family, i look young and attractive at 42  people still say , my son makes straight A’s, etc. Yeah I am a functioning closet addict and i am horrified thinking about what is going to happen to my teeth, my skin and looks, my poor lungs, etc. An everyday person would think besides being a little hyper and energetic (which bty sober i am anyway), I look , speak and act just like an ordinary person but i am a recluse preferring me and meth alone to doing anything else. My boyfriend is controlling and a bit strange but now that i am back on meth he can blame my meth use for all of our problems and now I don’t know if i quit whether it would make any difference between us. I do know that aside from a year I did without it almost 2 years ago i have not been able to let this drug go.

I know its bad and I am killing myself slowly day by day and i want to quit both methadone and methamphetamines – and my boyfriend and mom are supportive of me going to rehab once more and I will but only if i can promise myself that it it not going to happen ever again. I know I am better than this and that I can do this-I know i can and it has to be soon. Just wanted to share the fact that a person can appear normal, do great work at their job, be respected, be attractive both mentally and physically-but it always catches up or it just slowly kills your organs. It seems so unfair-I don’t even really get high-I just feel normal , have energy, my mind is stimulated and reading and art and cleaning house is fun on meth. i am so creative, do such good work, etc. But I am dying every puff I take i am killing myself, the years are passing and I don’t know where they are going.

I will pray for everyone who is hurting themselves as I appreciate anyone who can pray for me to someday stop.
Please-if you have never tried it -it isn’t even that great at first-it is an aquired taste. I used to love cocaine and all I could get was meth-that was back in 2003 that i tried it and here it is 2009 and my old life I spent twenty years buiding is gone. I know my time to stop is soon b/c I have my son to live for-in a way its like now i can do it and live normally since it destroyed everything and i put back the pieces but now it is losing its appeal b/c i am getting jaded and i am sick of the money spent and no goals are being set, etc. I really want that happiness that God gives a person that is sober. I know it exists it is just getting through the boredom and pain that is my everydauy life. seriously-I mainly get high due to boredom. meth makes mundane tasks seem exciting-like cleaning. Enough said-it is an eveil drug and I know the stronger or better the drug is the more it frightens me into wanting to be sober.

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  • Detoxer

    This is a tragic story. As an RN, you know that the meth has damaged your health. Please find an alternative medicine doctor who will give you a very thorough exam and treat the actual causes of any health problems to cure them–not just medicate the symptoms. Get yourself thoroughly hydrated with IV's and do it regularly until you start to feel better. At the same time get into a rehab–even outpatient. I have had some other people addicted to meth follow this advice and actually recover.

    Steve
    http://novusdetox.com

  • Michael

    I agree with Detoxer. This is a truly tragic story and I will hope for you to find a way to be free of it. Your son should be the thing that dominates your time and energy, not a drug that we both know is going to kill you if you don't stop using it. I just wish my ex had found that path before she destroyed our 15 year marriage and thrown her teenage son and career to the street so she could fall of the wagon again and relapse into meth addiction and psychosis. Do you want your child to have to watch what you KNOW this will do to you if you don't stop? I know that's harsh but we both know it's also the truth. This is not a 'religious' statement (I am a dedicated Taoist anyway – lol), but I will pray for you to find a path to freeing yourself of this horrible, awful drug.

  • Michael

    I agree with Detoxer. This is a truly tragic story and I will hope for you to find a way to be free of it. Your son should be the thing that dominates your time and energy, not a drug that we both know is going to kill you if you don't stop using it. I just wish my ex had found that path before she destroyed our 15 year marriage and thrown her teenage son and career to the street so she could fall of the wagon again and relapse into meth addiction and psychosis. Do you want your child to have to watch what you KNOW this will do to you if you don't stop? I know that's harsh but we both know it's also the truth. This is not a 'religious' statement (I am a dedicated Taoist anyway – lol), but I will pray for you to find a path to freeing yourself of this horrible, awful drug.

  • Jamie

    Just like you, my cousin liked to sneak down stairs and get high while her sons were taking a bath…little did she know that meth would take her baby's life before her own…

    While she was smoking meth, her youngest son, less than 2 years old, drowned in the bathtub, and now she can NEVER have him back…

    CHANGE YOUR LIFE TODAY, do it for your son because you may never have another chance.

  • Anonymous

    Cocaine Addiction, like the other drug addictions has devastating consequences. Unconventional methods of dealing with this beast are called for considering the still growing use of this drug in various forms.
    Cocaine Addiction presents a vicious means of self destruction.Always leaving one to wonder “how can this stuff be so powerful?”The most commonly asked question is How? How could my son, daughter,father, sister, or brother become a liar, a thief, someone who cannot be trusted? How could this happen? And why won’t they stop?
    Cocaine Addiction

  • Thomas

    Any addiction can be the worst thing in your life. It can take over without you even realizing it. If you can’t get past the first detox, rapid detox might be a good thing to try. I don’t think anyone should have to live life under the oppression of addiction.

  • Sarah

    I understand your story as mine is so similar. I just picked up on Friday out of boredom, my son was with his dad, and I had nothing else to do so for the first time in about 45 days I gave in. I asked for $20 and she is an old friend so she gave me about 2 g’s. I spent all weekend cleaning b/c I also enjoy it, that’s my favorite thing to do. Now it is Sunday afternoon, there’s still so much left I am contemplating flushing it down the toilet. I go to work tomorrow and I know if I keep it I will end up using all week with no sleep and I hate putting my job at risk like that. I am also a closet user, very few people know about my habit. It makes it hard when you want to talk to someone about it but the judgment will never be erased to so I often find sites like this to read other people’s stories, thanks for sharing, take care of yourself.