Well Here I am, Smoking a Foil as I Write…

A personal story about meth addiction submitted by a reader of this blog:

Well here i am , smoking a foil as I write wanting to be clean eventually but right now (just got off work early and have the house my boyfriend and I share -all to myself)couldn’t be as happy as i am without my just purchased bag of meth. Another dealer called me and has a different type of meth so i shall spend 50-having just spent 60 and I have 5 bars of Xanax, a pack of cigs, some good weed and some diet coke. All set for my weekend alone and although i could easily be with people even my son-I would rather be alone with meth and all my art projects, computer, books, etc. I would love to have my son around-actually it helps b/c i don’t do it in front of him so it makes getting too tweaked out not a threat b/c I have to sneak a little when he is bathing or outside, etc.

Although I have lost my career (as an RN), my husband of 17 1/2 years and most all of my possessions, my credit, my beautiful sports car, and above all -full custody of my son and the respect people had for me I still continue to do meth. People in my life kind of know i play with it-they think every now and then-they have no idea i use it everyday and have about a 3-400 hundered dollar a week habit-plus I take methadone b/c i was addicted to Lortab. I am very good at my job and make almost no mistakes. My family and friends don’t think that people that do as many drugs as i do could function better than they do sober yet i have found a way after initially losing everything. I have a very respectable boyfriend-he is a broker and i am managing a very successful business that belongs to my family, i look young and attractive at 42  people still say , my son makes straight A’s, etc. Yeah I am a functioning closet addict and i am horrified thinking about what is going to happen to my teeth, my skin and looks, my poor lungs, etc. An everyday person would think besides being a little hyper and energetic (which bty sober i am anyway), I look , speak and act just like an ordinary person but i am a recluse preferring me and meth alone to doing anything else. My boyfriend is controlling and a bit strange but now that i am back on meth he can blame my meth use for all of our problems and now I don’t know if i quit whether it would make any difference between us. I do know that aside from a year I did without it almost 2 years ago i have not been able to let this drug go.

I know its bad and I am killing myself slowly day by day and i want to quit both methadone and methamphetamines – and my boyfriend and mom are supportive of me going to rehab once more and I will but only if i can promise myself that it it not going to happen ever again. I know I am better than this and that I can do this-I know i can and it has to be soon. Just wanted to share the fact that a person can appear normal, do great work at their job, be respected, be attractive both mentally and physically-but it always catches up or it just slowly kills your organs. It seems so unfair-I don’t even really get high-I just feel normal , have energy, my mind is stimulated and reading and art and cleaning house is fun on meth. i am so creative, do such good work, etc. But I am dying every puff I take i am killing myself, the years are passing and I don’t know where they are going.

I will pray for everyone who is hurting themselves as I appreciate anyone who can pray for me to someday stop.
Please-if you have never tried it -it isn’t even that great at first-it is an aquired taste. I used to love cocaine and all I could get was meth-that was back in 2003 that i tried it and here it is 2009 and my old life I spent twenty years buiding is gone. I know my time to stop is soon b/c I have my son to live for-in a way its like now i can do it and live normally since it destroyed everything and i put back the pieces but now it is losing its appeal b/c i am getting jaded and i am sick of the money spent and no goals are being set, etc. I really want that happiness that God gives a person that is sober. I know it exists it is just getting through the boredom and pain that is my everydauy life. seriously-I mainly get high due to boredom. meth makes mundane tasks seem exciting-like cleaning. Enough said-it is an eveil drug and I know the stronger or better the drug is the more it frightens me into wanting to be sober.

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