This is Chris’s Story:
Meth is something I thought I would never have to face.
I was born and raised in a large city in Texas. I’m sure that meth was around in my community then just as it is now, but no one I ever associated with growing up was ever involved with meth. Not that i know of, anyway. I had heard about it here and there during my teenage years, but just dismissed it as another form of crack cocaine, (which was the drug of choice among many of the hard drug users I ever knew of) and dismissed it as something I’d never have to even be around.
My drug of choice in my youth was marijuana. In fact, I was a daily user for years and I still continue to use it to this day from time to time. Anyways, by the time I was 24, I was starting to eke out a nice little life for myself. Not rich or by any means even close, but I was comfortable whereIi was. I met a young lady from a town in Kansas, and we started a relationship. I don’t have any kids but she had 3, all toddlers. She did tell me from the beginning that she was a former meth and PCP addict with about 2 years clean.
I was at a point where I wanted to settle down in a relationship and I quickly fell in love.
And happily accepted her for the person I knew her to be. After several months, we moved back to her hometown in Kansas. Even with the initial culture shock of living in a small midwestern town, we fell deeply in love very quickly.
Everything was going well for us for almost the first year. We both had jobs we liked, were raising her kids as our own, and our own home. Close to a year into it, we for whatever reason, hit a lull in our relationship and began to argue a lot. Our love for each other would always win out. At some point, an old friend came around her while I was at work and influenced her with some PCP. I remember her calling me and begging me to let her buy some from him.
Now over time, she had told me many of her past horror stories with drugs and her ongoing struggle to stay clean and keep her kids. I had continued to smoke weed regularly throughout our entire relationship and it was never a problem with her. I had offered to quit when we moved to Kansas after hearing some of her meth stories, but she knew how much I loved weed and considered it harmless herself so she insisted that it was okay if i smoked it. I must have been feeling vulnerable at that moment because guilt took over, and I told her it would be okay this “one” time. Needless to say, maybe a few weeks later, I had tried PCP for the first time, and we were both doing it regularly. And she would have some bad trips off that stuff…real bad. I guess the fact that she was bipolar and on plenty of meds for that couldnt have helped either.
With the help of her family, we were able to overcome that…for a while. Before I knew it, we’re laying in bed in the middle of the night wide awake after hallucinating on PCP for hours, and her phone rings. Guess who? her old meth dealer newly released from prison! And he’s got some good stuff. Still spun off PCP I agree after some begging to allow her to get some. According to her, she’s better off on meth than PCP anyway, because “ice” is what she really likes. I had told her during our talks that i associated meth and meth use with only the lowest of the lowlifes, the homeless, etc. so she quickly said she wouldnt try to get me to do it. She needed to lose some of her “winter weight” anyway and it would only be until she lost 10 lbs. So like an idiot, I agreed.
She went and got the stuff, did it…BOOM! She’s like this energizer bunny!
Cracking jokes, up all night talking about any and everything, (she was always in bed by 9 and I was always a night owl so i loved this!) On top of that her sex drive went through the roof! So im loving this at this point. I still never thought about doing it at that point. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself I can just stop her before it becomes a problem. I hadnt had any experience up to this point in dealing with anyone with a hardcore addiction, so I had no idea the road I was heading down.
Then I began to see it: At first she was happy just to smoke her small amount of meth at home with me after work while I smoked my weed. Honestly, I still often think of those nights and the fun we had. Anyways, she began hanging out with a few of the local meth heads and then it became her spending all of her income on meth and me having to support us. I kept at it for as long as I could, but then it started to really break us. I became the one doing all the chores we use to share but it continued. Everytime I wanted to intervene all it would take is a good night of partying and I would be convinced we could continue for a little longer…
Then came my day: After fighting and making up over her habit…
One day, she was in the garage with her uncle doing what they did best. I’ll never forget what happened next: She comes in and asks me if i’ll come into the garage and take a hit. I tell her hell no a few times, dismissing her as her usual high, high-strung self. Then she looks at me and says, “We always argue over this. I just want you to see how it feels. Do it for me. Please?” I to this day dont know why that convinced me. I went to the garage and she showed me how to inhale from the weird looking glass pipe. I took one hit and didnt know what to expect, my natural instinct was to feel guilty because this is something i never imagined id EVER be doing. Maybe ten minutes later, I was in the living room folding laundry, music on full blast, feeling GRRRRREEEAAAAT! I cannot begin to explain the pure euphoria that rushed through me! Where have you been all my life?!
Anyways, this starts a cycle of course: fighting, the blame game, whos an addict and whos not the addict, making up, having our “good nights” where we stayed up tweaking happily together and got along. All while raising 3 kids. I still can’t believe I can say I’ve been involved in something like that. But it is what it is, and i think it has made me stronger.
So, after finally coming to the realization we are killing ourselves and our love, we come to the conclusion we are going to cold-turkey. Her, being a seasoned vet, handled the withdrawals WAY better than I did. Those withdrawals I didnt see coming and I was scared to DEATH that I would permanently end up in that infamous “fog”. It hit me so bad that I thought I was having a special reaction that was unheard of among people coming off meth. And with hindsight I understand why, but she had me convinced that I was going crazy because of meth and somehow she was unaffected. This as you could imagine, only added to my hell.
I spoke with my family regularly and they knew of our constant fighting, but had no idea about the drugs. And most still dont to this day. I would think about doing meth all day and the cravings were unbearable. I’m sure she noticed the effects of it on me, but she just drilled home the point that I was crazy and just couldnt handle it like her and others could. Looking back, I was so blind to believe that because she had more than her share of meth-induced psychosis. Nonetheless, we broke up both still withdrawing.
A year later, im back in Texas, totally shell shocked by my experience with this drug that just a few years ago I knew nothing about.
Of course the depression of breaking up with someone you love caused me to crave meth something serious. Being in my hometown, I had no connections and a grave fear of anyone I had known before I moved to Kansas finding out I was addicted to a “hard” drug.
Somehow, after a year I have managed to stay clean. Even though my actual use was relatively short (compared to most) the effects are still with me. I wholeheartedly believe I am still an addict because I still often think about the good times me and my fiancee had with meth in the early days. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to ever let meth destroy any more of my life. But I understand that those thoughts are part of the process and in time and with faith, will subside. I even find myself missing her, all the love we had before the drug days, how we planned this life together. I do feel unlucky because I believe that if it hadnt been for meth, we wouldve had something. Nonetheless, I am currently doing everything I can to stay clean and have been for a year. Haven’t touched it since I left that town in Kansas. I am proud of myself but I know I am not done yet.
As for this site, it has been a God send to me as im sure its been to everyone else who frequents it. I have been a regular of the sight for awhile now, and I decided now would be a good time to share my story. All the wonderful resources here are truly amazing and a blessing to those battling this curse. SomeChick, I commend you for doing something like this, you have been a very helpful tool in my sobriety, and im sure many many others. Keep up the good work!
From Some Chick: Thank you Chris! Your story is inspiring and it is my hope that others will find hope through you as you have through the stories on this site.