I understand addiction I have experienced it first hand and still fight the temptation to use everyday. And me personally I feel this will be something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. It may get easier but it will always be there lurking in the darkness waiting to step into the light. It took me many tries to get clean and for me what finally did it was the birth of my daughter in 2005.
She was born very premature she was born when her mother just went into her seventh month and was in intensive care for two moths. The first two weeks of her life she could not breath completely on her own she was on a breathing machine because the amount of breaths she would take in a minute were not enough to keep her alive so it was touch and go and was a very difficult situation to go through.
The reason my daughter was so premature was because her mother was using during the pregnancy behind my back.
Once this was out in the open many things instantly changed. After the two months when my daughter was ready to finally come home the decision was made that she would come to my house and live and that I would be the primary caregiver,we had joint custody but she lived with me and there were guidelines that her mother had to follow in order for things to go back to the way they were suppose to be.
She was given many chances to do the right thing and I tried to help her as much as I could because every child should have a mother and a father and I did not want to take that away from my daughter. But in the end I had to walk, I had to put my feelings aside put her mother’s feelings aside and anyone else that was effected by this. I had to do what was in the best interest and what would benefit my daughter I had to do what was best for her. Unfortunately I had to file for full custody because she was not doing what she was suppose to do so I filed for full custody and the day of court she didn’t even show and I was given full custody.
My daughter is now five about to be six and not one person from her side of the family has ever done anything for my daughter nothing and that’s no bull shit. It’s been about almost five years since she has seen her daughter and even longer since any family member from that side has seen my daughter.
The reason I am sharing this is because I want who ever reads this to understand that the road to recovery is a life long battle and in this battle you are the general and you have full control of what happens and that getting clean is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. And that even bringing something so precious and innocent into this world like a child is sometimes not enough.
You think it would be enough and you pray it will be enough but for some people it’s just not there addiction has such a hold on them and controls them and it goes on for years and becomes a normal routine and once that happens its just really hard to go back to normal and to go back to being a productive person. Every addict has to want it they have to be the one to say I’m done and they need to be the one to put them selves away.
It’s so important that wanting to get clean and stay clean has to come from the addict not a friend or family because forcing someone to do something isnt going to do anything it has to come from within.
And like I said it took me many tries and I still battle the urge everyday and most likely for the rest of my life and when I feel that way I just look at my daughter or think about her and say to my self she already doesn’t have a mother I can’t take her father away I’m all she has and just the thought of her not being in my life and me not in her life makes me sick she is my world.
So anyone who reads this just remember your not alone you can get clean and stay clean you just have to want it you have to sit back and do some serious soul searching and put a plan together you have to dig deep and commit to the battle it’s going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but it is possible you can do anything you put your mind to if anyone who reads this needs advice or needs to talk, post a comment below.