My name is [removed for privacy reasons], I am a 41 year old, single Mother of four beautiful, healthy children.
It saddens me to see such evil, damaging, torturous things that people say and do all in the name of being high on drugs.
I began using drugs at the age of 13, smoking weed then drinking alcohol. I married shortly after graduating High School (1987) and soon became pregnant with my first daughter who is now 22 years old and pregnant with my first granddaughter, due on 4/20/2011.
One month after being blessed with the greatest gift of my life, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins disease (cancer) and underwent chemotherapy and radiation. Obviously, the cancer did not beat me as I was determined to be alive to see my baby girl grow. Shortly after my last chemo treatment and clearance that my health had returned to “normal” I began living a party life and shamefully, forgot that the reason I had been determined to live was suppose to be all about this precious baby girl that I had brought into this world. My husband at the time was in the Army and not only did everything he could to provide for us, he had been my biggest motivator, support, friend and the greatest Father I could have ever wished for my child to have. Unfortunately, due to my immaturity and the overwhelming desire to “live again” ie: party, act reckless, etc. we separated and eventually divorced. I began going to the clubs, bars, house parties nearly every night, leaving my baby girl with either his Mother or my parents or family. In approximately 1990, I met a man at a club who I quickly became obsessed with and though I had been quite use to drinking and clubbing, I had never seen let alone experimented with any “hard drugs” until one night at his apartment, with a group of his “boys” I was introduced to Cocaine. I was assured that NOTHING would happen if I tried it “just once” little did I know, it would make me feel like I was on top of the world and soon, it was as close to being my best friend as anything could possibly have been.
From cocaine, I was introduced to Crack Cocaine….. WOW !!!
Now, that sent me as close to Heaven as I ever imagined. I then became pregnant with my second child and oddly enough, the day I learned I was carrying this man’s child, I had NO desire or craving to use any drug whatsoever. My son was born healthy, weighing 10 pounds. I was madly in love with this baby and swore that drugs would never be a part of my life again. Soon after, my Ex-husband took custody away from me of my baby girl. At this time, I was still very obsessed with the Father of my second child and though I knew without doubt that he was an extreme alcoholic, I refused to leave him until finally, the infidelity on his part and the fact that my urge to once again be a party girl took over and I moved approximately 2.5 hours away from this man and of course took my baby boy with me. I was then living with my parents in the town that I had been born and raised in. As I had done before, I one night went out (having good intentions, just a small get together) with some old high school friends and in no time, I again hooked up with yet ANOTHER man, (which ended up being husband #2) I describe this relationship as one that started as a party and ended 10 years later in a fiasco. This man I had known since we were five years old and he and his family were well known (as mine was also) in this small town, he was recently divorced with two young daughters and in the beginning, he honestly treated me and my son like we were all he had ever wished for and from there, we “partied”, sold cocaine, ACCIDENTALLY tried crank for the very first time (I swore that I would never do it again…. lol) and, my same pattern returned,… I got pregnant, the relationship became physically abusive, I was again able to stop all drinking and drug use during my 3rd pregnancy, gave birth to a healthy baby boy,… life was looking good. One year and 10 days after my 2nd son’s birthday, My Father passed away. I was absolutely devastated. Not long after, WE began using crank on a regular basis (for the sake of “good sex”)
From crank, I learned of a NEW, BETTER, CLEANER, STRONGER drug… Crystal Meth.
I had finally found my real love. The selling, using, losing tremendous amounts of weight and thinking I really looked good and was as important as any C.E.O of any legit company could ever be, we allowed this evil, nasty substance take over our lives. And though we were not married when our son was born, we did marry when he was just a baby and AGAIN, I soon became pregnant with my 4th child and wisely enough, had a tubal ligation to prevent any further pregnancies. In August of 1996 my last baby girl was born, again, by the grace of God, healthy.
Not long after giving birth, I was right back to being the same, drug addicted, obsessive, impulsive person I had been every time I was no longer carrying a child in my belly. Our marriage and lives finally completely fell apart after 10 years of marriage. SO much happened that I can not even begin to tell my entire story. Nevertheless, our SIX children (his two daughters and my four children) lost EVERYTHING without any notice or knowledge that anything was even wrong. I weighed 103 and was 5’5″ and was looking very much like a junkie and at that time, I was approximately 35 years old and had AGAIN immediately got involved and moved a boyfriend of 22 years old into our home with myself and children. Within 2 months of this relationship, I was being severely physically abused, resulting in being thrown down a flight of stairs, breaking my back. I am lucky. Though I have a tremendous amount of pain and PTSD, bi-polar, dependent personality disorder and SEVERE trust issues, I manage to continue to live.
Not long ago I made my first “half assed” suicide attempt and ended up in a psych ward.
I struggle on a daily basis and since the very start of my drug use in 1991, the only time I have “CLEAN AND SOBER” is through out my pregnancies, and from July 2007 to October of 2009. Since then, its been on again, off again.
Today I am blessed with the chance I never thought I would ever get again in this lifetime, and that is to live with my three youngest children (19, 16, and 14) altogether again. This time with a man that does not have an abusive bone in his entire body and in fact, has been with me and my children through HELL. My using, getting clean, going back out, and so on and so forth. Even leaving at one time for to be with another YOUNGER MAN (28) that had just been released from prison…. I was gone for ONE week.
I do realize how much I have to lose and how bad my life and my children’s lives would be if this man that loves us with every fiber of his being were to get fed up and leave. I pray and ask anyone who may read my story to pray for my family that I will be strong enough to clean up and stay clean. I have little faith in myself so I must believe in a higher power that can and will give me the strength that I need to get through this.
To the addicts still using, I pray for you and your loved ones that you also may be blessed with the strength and whatever else you may need to find a better way to live.