I Will Always be a Prisoner to Meth

I smoked meth for the first time when I was 14. I started using because I had a huge crush on an older boy who used. Once I took a hit I fell in love with it.

I was smoking and sniffin almost a ball a day. I started using crack, e, oxys, heroin, coke, whatever I could get my hands on. At 15 I started prostituting in [city name redacted]. I was lying, cheating, stealing & hurting everyone who knew me & I didn’t care.

I took pride in the fact that I was a junkie. It was sick how I enjoyed all the pain and the suffering. I was even thrilled when I started hearing voices inside my head. I would hear and see things, laugh & smile because I knew it was meth doing it so I loved it.

I was homeless for the majority of my addiction, sleeping in timmies bathrooms, laundry mats, under bridges, bank doorways, anywhere with heat. Soon I got a room in a boarding house where the hardest, worst meth dealers & users lived. I was in heaven at 16.

But, eventually the loneliness, trauma, pain and suffering caught up to me. I finally got sick of trying to survive instead of living. I didn’t want to feel that emptiness anymore, I didn’t want to just shrug off emotions and pain until later, I wanted to be able to trust someone again, to love & not be deceived. So, I found a way out.

I moved hours away and i am finally clean. But no I did not beat this addiction. I dont think anybody ever fully kicks an addiction. Everyday I have to live with the guilt and trauma of crimes I committed. I have horrible, horrible dreams every night, I can still taste it, smell it, see it. Its an obsession of the mind and I dont know if it will ever leave me.

I will never be able to turn back, even though I no longer use, I will always be a prisoner to meth.

Please, if you are new to the drug game, get out now. Its worse than words can describe.. it will own you , it wil throw you away and take over your body.. I am no longer me, I am merely a shell of the person who used to be me,  I’m empty & I dont  wish that upon anybody.

 

  • The title of ur post really caught my eye, so I read it! All I can say is “WOW”. I’m real sorry u had to go thru all of that. If u ever read this please answer me back to my question, how old are u now? I’m just wondering if u started at 14 how long it took u to stop. little kids doing drugs is so scary to me, I mean I started smoking pot at age 12 n then stopped at about age 20. I didn’t get into anything “hard” until I was like 22! I was addicted to pain pills for a few yrs which was real bad, cuz I too lied, stole (and from my mom who is everything to me) and I also live with the guilt. Especially stealing from my own mother, the woman who gave me life, who was the best mom (and still is) in the world, and who made me who I am today. I can’t get over the guilt. I was 26 at the time (I’m 28 now) and living with her, and even after admiting that I took every single piece of “real” jewerly that she owned (but not her engagement n wedding band, I couldn’t take that…even tho I was messed up, I still had somewhat of a concensious not to take them) she didn’t even kick me out of the house….Now when my father found out he DID kick me out (which I don’t blame) but my mom doesn’t even bring it up or throw it in my face. She shows me the new jewerly my dad or brothers buy her, but that’s it, she shows me n then doesn’t say anything about the pieces that r gone. My dad had to kick me out cuz he knew I was on drugs (they figured once they found out what I did cuz they know me n knew I would NEVER have done that if I were normal n clean)  and he couldn’t trust me n didn’t wanna have to live in his own house n have to lock up anything with value. He told me he wished I had stolen money cuz u can replace that, but u can’t replace all the nice stuff my mom had n all the memories that came with it n I understand him. So I got kicked out n they also paid my cell phone bill so that night my cell was SHUT OFF! Well my mom didn’t want him to do that, but he did, well she called around n had my brothers call around to find me n make sure I was ok. About 1 week later she got my dad to turn my cell back on n she called me n said she got my dad to let me back home. When I got kicked out I had gone to live with my ex boyfriend (who is also the father of my 2 kids), and the reason he was my ex was cuz he couldn’t take my pill addiction anymore n was tired of supporting it n the lies I fed him n the attuide I’d give when we couldn’t find pills so he had thrown me out (which I also do NOT blame him for, but I truely did not want to break up, and as of together we r together n actually engaged!!) n I went to live with my parents. So when my dad had thrown me out, I called my ex n told him what happened n he let me come back to his house. It was all messed up in the beginning, but we both wanted to b together so when my mom told me I could come home I was grateful, but said no thank u cuz I wanted to stay with my kids dad n work on our relationship. So my point of writing ALL that was cuz I wanted to let u know, that I too, also know about guilt especially the fact that even after I admitted to it my mom still loved n worried about me. I think the worst thing was that I hurt her n I’m still so sorry for that. But as far as meth I have tried it 3 times (my 3rd time being a few hours ago). I too have fallen in love with it, however I have it set in my head that I won’t ever let another drug overtake n ruin my life. But after reading ur story, and I’m not “promising” anything, but I will def consider not doing anymore cuz I do know that even tho I will try anything n everything not to become addicted, I do still know that of course it CAN and most likely WILL happen. So thanks for writing ur story cuz it may have just helped me! And I hope ur proud of urself for being clean now, I know how hard that is. And I completly understand n agree with u that noone like really fully kicks an addiction, u can always very easily relapse n like u said when someone even just like talks about it u can smell, taste it, crave it. However u should b very proud that u have been clean. I’m not sure how long u have been clean, and it will def take time, but I believe that u will be ok n that u will become “you” again n can live a nice, normal, fulfilling life…I mean ur done with the hard part (actually quitting) so as long as u keep all ur days filled with positive people n positive things to do I believe u will make it!! Oh and just a piece of advice, I think ur story was great n the way u write is deep n emoitional which is hard to do, so if ur willing maybe u can write another little story  about what u wrote in this one, just maybe with more “details” also maybe u can include how long u have been clean n exactly what u did n the steps u took to become clean. It’s just a thought, but I love the way u wrote this n I think other people do/will love it too so another more detailed story can help maybe even more people, IDK!! But good luck with everything n I know ur not proud of ur past…but I truely mean it when I say u CAN and SHOULD be very proud of the present, n as long as u keep going the way u r, ur future too!

  • Guest

    I am much older than you guys and my addiction spans over many years. I really thought I was a smart addict because I could schedule my using time and because I could always afford what I wanted. I could go grocery shopping, clean the house and then time myself and be over my girlfriends house using because her house was the spot to hang out in. Crack was my choice of drugs even though I had tried most drugs at least once so I am able to read on multiple sites and understand what people are describing. The men that would come around and expect the woman to be broke and when they would offer me drugs I would say no thank you and the women would look at me like I was crazy. Eventually I was a chef and learned how to cook it and even had a few select customers. But how good are you when you use and become your best customer? NOT. I had years inbetween when I didn’t use and remember a five year break and many two and three year breaks. I thought I had this thing together. Controlling my addiction so I thought. My addiction turn for the worse when my kids were grown and everybody was gone and I was in an accident which required surgery and the lost of a job. The money didn’t end but the addiction took a turn for the worse. I realized that  this drug has taken over and is controlling me. I cryed so many times and could never accept that I was being controlled by a drug.As much as I hate any controlling force, I couldn’t say NO. Once it got in my head I was off and running. I saw so many games being played by people and drugs and even my girlfriend played games too even though I was quite generous in giving. I would feel so dirty after sitting and getting high for hours and hours and dreaded that paranoid ride home.  When I got home I couldn’t wait to shower and go to sleep and wake up to a new day of not getting high. But then I decided after having three great connects that I would do it at home. What a mistake too. My room became dark to me. In fact I would say I’m in darkness. I heard my girlfriend say how much she loved it and I decided I would never say that. I prayed so hard to be clean and it took a while but on New Years three years ago I decided that I would not go into the next year like that. I had gotten a settlement and bought new furniture and it changed the way my house looked. One of my dealers thought he was going to get paid, but I never spent one penny on drugs again. My room wasn’t dark anymore.My place was cute and I counld’t imagine tweeking around there on my knew furniture. (lol) I started going back to school, and working on simple projects. I spent $125.oo on a drug cleansing which included the hair cleanse also. I refused to waste my money on drugs anymore. I would think about the money I spent and what I could have had like more clothes, shoes and things like that. In my addiction I was so numb and dumb I didn’t realize that my family knew until one day my daughter and two neices called a meeting. When I got there I fell asleep and realized that it was more than I could bear. I knew it was intervention time but I beat them to it. I didn’t like rehab except for the fact that the people were pretty cool. I refused to stand up and say I am a addict. I AM NOT AN ADDICT. That sounds better to me.But you have to do what works for you. I like the sound of that.They never got to talk to me because I had already made up my mind. In my heart I know that prayer helped me and that GOD heard my cry. I hope you all find the peace that you deserve. No that smell will be remembered, those dark days will be remembered but when you are pass it you will know. I will never put a pipe to my lips again. I have been offered drugs that people consider acceptable but I have never used since then. I do have fond memories of smoking weed though and did that for years before I started crack. After crack I lost my interest in weed. Get to that place where you feel your life with other fun things and think about what your poor organs and brain are going through. Corosion like a rusted engine that stops working. Its always a downhill spiral not matter how good the high is. Its the Titantic slowly sinking. Its death, jail or hell on earth. It may feel like that even when you stop using but the difference is day by day as you replace people and you use no more you gradually go from crawling to walking and then running. Reach back and help somebody else. It will help keep you strong. I didn’t attend meetings but I would go there if I thought I was going to think about doing it. Yes it has crossed my mind but only the surface. I know better and don’t want to ruin my health anymore. Don’t use, help somebody else NOT TO USE, it’ll make you stronger. Peace and Love to you all.

  • Anika

    Awe Im so sorry you went through that but let me tell you, you are no longer a prisoner of meth, you have liberated yourself and saved your life. You can’t change the past, but you do control your destiny. Use your story to educate other outside of this blog… You could save a lot of lives. God bless you!

  • Carlee Walker

    Friend, THERE IS NORMAL LIFE AFTER METH!!! Meth can just be a scar on your knew and nothing more. Have you thought about how much Jesus has already forgiven you if you just ask? There is a lady I would love for you to hear and here is the link to her YouTube https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwQY8D8NXJNMxw5TRNaVYYIpFEiDc47Wz. I’d be happy to talk to you more in my blog http://www.carleewalker.com. You can be healed from this and go back to enjoying a normal life!!!!!