Life while using Meth is time spent waiting for death

My story is a long one and I don’t type very well, but I must put this out there for myself or you. I am 46 and have used for many, many years. I have had long-term treatment and know how awesome life can be without meth or any drug for that matter. However, I am currently using, but at the same time I know that it must stop.

I am sending what I wrote 6 years ago. Every word is true in spite of my relapse and I hope like hell I will be giving and receiving.

I am tired… So very tired.

Healing

On April 18 2005 I was arrested for selling meth. Time and time again I had tried to quit. It was helpful in destroying my 10 year marriage 10 years ago and much worse than that, my 19 year old daughter had began to use.

The first month in jail began  my healing. I must admit-until now I never knew the meaning of the word. I slept ate. Slept, ate. As things began to become clear to me for the first time ever I began to read my bible and pray. Also for the first time in my life, at some point I cried out to God to get my daughter off meth. I reached the conclusion if I couldn’t stop myself I couldn’t stop her either. And God moved for me.

The next month I read “Power Over Addiction” by Dr. Mary Holly. One day the chaplain called me out. I had not made a request. He said someone said you were ready to make a commitment to God. I said I already have. He asked doyou know how tokeep it. I replied no. He gave me a paper The Stay Plan. 8 books from the bible. Later, I found out my daughter put in the request.

I had to go to another county jail from there to serve 6 weeks. I was fine at that time, but 10 days later every joint in my body was swollen. 10 years before I had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritus. I had trouble standing. I was in more pain than I thought I could stand. I could not brush my own hair, grip a pen, dress without help.

God sent someone to pray with me. A minister who ask what’s wrong. When I told her she uttered one word. Unforgiveness.

She walked with me through some very painful times in my life. My mother’s death, abortions, abuse, rape.

It began the most amazing experience of my life. Many tears and alot of writing I released 25 years of bitterness and resentments. I left there in August – clean and sober for the first time in my life.

I was sentenced to prison and did 2 years and learned how to function without the dope.

I recommend treatment. In my opinion it’s a must for long time users. Even though I have relapsed I believe I will get clean again and live again.

For a life while using is not life – But time spent waiting for death.