Life while using Meth is time spent waiting for death

My story is a long one and I don’t type very well, but I must put this out there for myself or you. I am 46 and have used for many, many years. I have had long-term treatment and know how awesome life can be without meth or any drug for that matter. However, I am currently using, but at the same time I know that it must stop.

I am sending what I wrote 6 years ago. Every word is true in spite of my relapse and I hope like hell I will be giving and receiving.

I am tired… So very tired.


On April 18 2005 I was arrested for selling meth. Time and time again I had tried to quit. It was helpful in destroying my 10 year marriage 10 years ago and much worse than that, my 19 year old daughter had began to use.

The first month in jail began  my healing. I must admit-until now I never knew the meaning of the word. I slept ate. Slept, ate. As things began to become clear to me for the first time ever I began to read my bible and pray. Also for the first time in my life, at some point I cried out to God to get my daughter off meth. I reached the conclusion if I couldn’t stop myself I couldn’t stop her either. And God moved for me.

The next month I read “Power Over Addiction” by Dr. Mary Holly. One day the chaplain called me out. I had not made a request. He said someone said you were ready to make a commitment to God. I said I already have. He asked doyou know how tokeep it. I replied no. He gave me a paper The Stay Plan. 8 books from the bible. Later, I found out my daughter put in the request.

I had to go to another county jail from there to serve 6 weeks. I was fine at that time, but 10 days later every joint in my body was swollen. 10 years before I had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritus. I had trouble standing. I was in more pain than I thought I could stand. I could not brush my own hair, grip a pen, dress without help.

God sent someone to pray with me. A minister who ask what’s wrong. When I told her she uttered one word. Unforgiveness.

She walked with me through some very painful times in my life. My mother’s death, abortions, abuse, rape.

It began the most amazing experience of my life. Many tears and alot of writing I released 25 years of bitterness and resentments. I left there in August – clean and sober for the first time in my life.

I was sentenced to prison and did 2 years and learned how to function without the dope.

I recommend treatment. In my opinion it’s a must for long time users. Even though I have relapsed I believe I will get clean again and live again.

For a life while using is not life – But time spent waiting for death.

  • David Dietrich

    I attribute a large part of my success to abuse of crystal meth. It was quite possibly the finest way to go down hard in a relatively short period of time, and be analytical and cohesive all the way down to where my self ship crashed. The effects of weed on the soul, body and mind are less obvious to the user and it seems to have some clear consequences in terms of health and long-term happiness. I smoked CM for 10 years, yes a decade!! No tooth loss, no criminal record, no long-term lasting mental or physical effects that I can pinpoint. It is also false that CM is so physically addictive. I only noticed depression and self loathing when coming down and felt very tired physically and mentally. In fact some of my BEST sleep was after a few days of using CM. Coming down w/o any CM left was a time for some introspection and thinking about my life and where I was in life and because the drug is essentially speed, my thoughts were more concise and flowed more easily so on and so forth. I was less depressed and confused, and more analytical and positive and more able to deal with a pressing list of decisions and problems at that time. While I don’t condone the use of CM It pulled me through a very difficult time in my life, made it worse, and enabled me to plan and think my way out. Looking back I enjoyed the tremendous sexual pleasure associated with smoking the drug as. If I had to do it all over again ? well  I would have sought help for my problems w/o use of illegal medications for sure, but never with prescription drugs, I would seriously rather smoke CM anytime and it doesn’t seem like anytime soon. I hurt a lot of people on my CM journey and I’m truly sorry for this. I learned a lot about myself using CM and for that I’m forever grateful. DD The context of this; Meth brought me down to a place where I could begin my transformation into who I am today. It showed me that I was capable of over coming obstacles and capable of critical thought. Meth allowed me to overcome a life time of sullen depression and to appreciate life a whole lot more.

  • Crowfly

    I was never a serious Meth user in the Frisco days, Heroin was my thing , but I did use enough to see speed bugs at the time. I’m just posting to give a heads up on smoke injecting bottles . They are not as safe as you think they are . Having survived your cook you probably think it’s the easy part. I’m seeing people post, advocating the use of fish tank tubing for this. Don’t . It’s too small a diameter when things get busy , and the bottle can blow up in your face. Use something bigger if you must do this. I know someone personally who lost 50% of the’re eye sight, from sulfuric acid being blasted in they’re eye’s.

  • Crowfly

    I don’t want to encourage anyone to use or make meth, my posts are only aimed at people who are obviously determined to do it anyway, and to minimize the risks of injury to those people. S&B experts on the net should not be your guide to a cook. These people become more cavalier with they’re process as they continue they’re cooks. Good judgement go’s out the window. People die or go to prison for a long time in the U.S., for what is essentially a medical issue. People who commit real life threatening crimes while using Meth are assholes . Others who behave themselves should not be Jailed for something that was perfectly legal until 1972 . It is still possible to get yourself a Dexedrine prescription for Attention Deficit Disorder, and you probably have this if you need Meth. I have 2 brothers who will likely be doing Prison tours through the CDC for the rest of they’re lives. Both have ADD. Cooking Meth Is far more harmful to yourself, than just using it. I knew cooks who would kill anyone, who walked in on them by accident while cooking. Never ask them how it’s done on the net. or in person. .

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  • christy

    Don’t wait another day, go and get the help you need….it is up to you… is so very short and everyday you wait is another day wasted….You are your own worst enemy…gather your courage and make that first step… grandmother always told me, ” you never know who is watching you, but you can always bet, someone is”……christy

  • KushyKush

    Meth actually helped me find myself. I was 18 when I first tired it. Smoked for 4 years straight, and lately my bestfriend and I have been doing it sporadically . I wouldn’t take that time back. I had a crazy experience with my bestfriend. We owned this drug up here. The dealers would spend weeks at our appartment just smoking days away. NO THERE WAS NO SEX FOR DRUGS INVOLVED. We paid for 50% of it, the rest was out of the goodness of their hearts. My bestfriend and I have no tooth loss, no mental problems i.e schizophrenia, bipolar,
    We were lucky, we were beautiful and still are. It all depends on the person and their will power. The meth did depress me for a while, but I was strong enough to take myself out of the depression and the addiction alone.

    I’m sure I am not the only one with an experience such as this but not all meth is bad.