dying because i couldn't stop doing meth

I nearly killed myself for something that was just going to kill me.

I was 20 years old. All my life I just wanted to fit in. Have friends? But, I didn’t know the dangerous game I was getting myself into.

Everyone said, “just try a toke on this pipe”. I didn’t know what it would do…

Suddenly, every storm inside my mind stopped. I was happy… Until I came down and needed more.

It changed my life, my house turned into the central for the drug. I was deep in the game with the highest dealers..

I should have been fearing for my life but all I wanted was a high. I feel like I lost a part of who I am. Every night I’d lock myself in my bed room with my best friend. Everyone was our enemy. Even each other at times. There were knives and cameras hidden around the house.

They say once you’re clean, you’re out.

I’m five months clean and can still smell it. I’m away from it all, I lost all of my friends as they lost themselves in this drug. But I couldn’t look back, I needed to survive.

Why did I need to get out?

Because I went down to 38kgs…
I lost my teeth, I lost myself..
I tried to kill myself…
I now suffer from liver failure…

I am dying…Because I couldn’t walk away.

I feel like this…

Meth, you were the color black and I was the color white. And now I am clean I can’t get you out. So, I am now the color grey.

You took away my morals, you took away parts of me I loved. You changed who I was until I couldn’t even look in the mirror.

You took my soul…

This story breaks my heart. I read stories similar to this regularly. So often we think we can do drugs without them doing us. I often see people talk about how they are in control of their meth habit (there are probably hundreds of comments to that effect here on my blog), but you see, meth WILL win eventually. You can’t be slave and master at the same time.

And to Ash: Please know sweetie, that though your body may be failing you, your soul is not lost. It may feel like it some days and the confusion may be overwhelming at times. Evil in this world wants to make you think you’re lost for good, but look to God and know that He is waiting to love you unconditionally. –SC