Since I started doing meth at 16, I haven’t gone longer than a week without using. I’m now 35.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I suppose it’s to put it out there, even if it never gets read; I’ll still know I said it.

I first injected that beautiful drug (meth) at a party when I was sixteen, shortly after I had my daughter. I loved it. We all do though, don’t we? That rush. I loved it so much. But, I’ll sit here and beg anyone not to try it.

Since I started doing meth at sixteen, I haven’t gone longer than a week without using. I’m now 35 and I use between 3pts and half a gram every day. I use, go to work, come home, eat my dinner, and go to bed. I’ve lived like this for at least the last 2 and a half years. There was a time when, had I of been the one reading this, I wouldn’t have believed it. I mean, for the first ten years of using, I couldn’t sleep or eat for days when I used. Now, after sacrificing over half my life to this thing — this beast, I doubt I’ll ever be able to use enough to keep me up for even a night. It’s depressing.

I was so beautiful when I was younger, I just couldn’t see it. How valuable youth is in the meth game. How its traded on and used to open doors. My last partner called me his little key turner — there was no door I couldn’t get opened for him; even ones that had previously been slammed in his face. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t believe he’d do me like that. And still can’t, but that’s another story for another time…

I literally mourn the child that I was. The loss of that innocence, that little girl and her poor family whose only crime was loving her unconditionally. My poor dad who passed away suddenly, wondering all the time why I would rather be around addicts and criminals than be with my beautiful, beautiful family. And for that I’ll never forgive myself. I love you dad. I love you Gabby my strong daughter who’s now 19. She once asked my mum, “why doesn’t mummy want to spend time with me?”. My heart breaks and I wish I could turn the clock back and have all those precious fleeting years back. Mum always said, “turn around twice and she’ll be all grown up”. Why couldn’t I have just listened and done what I was told for once in my life? I wish I knew the answer to that question.

So here I am. My best and only friend in the world, right now, is the food I need to live, yet is killing me slowly, spirit and soul. For this reason I wonder if I’ll ever be free. Will I get to do the things that that little blonde haired girl took for granted she would have? A husband, a mortgage, a life? I still have hope, but am not so naive as to expect it.

Anyhow, my reason for this guts spill is I’m having a drug dependency assessment in order to get my drivers license back (where I live, in Australia, if you get picked up driving under the influence twice they take you license for the rest of your life, or until you can give a clean urine and answer their questions in the way that they want to hear). So, my poor mum has already forked out the $450 required for the assessment with all expectations on me to pass it. I can’t let her down again, not this time. I managed to quit pot in preparation, but still hang for a cone every day. Ten years from now I hope I’m not sitting here still hanging for a cone!! I’ve had my last wak until after the test at 6 tonight. Getting to work tomorrow will be tough and the next day and the day after that….you never know maybe I’ll never use again. Maybe.

Thank you someone, if anyone, for listening to my dribble. I feel better for it.

  • Narcotic anonymous

    Don’t feel too bad about your lifestyle,In rural areas of Louisiana,Mississippi,Arkansas, Texas,New Mexico,California,Alabama….those states in the U.S …..your lifestyle would be considered the norm….trust me it’s ground zero in the dirty south of the U.S……average age to start meth 15,cheaper and way way more accessible than even weed.

  • jcw

    Through God anything is possible. Don’t give up on you fight, it’s never too late to change.

  • Ehfar

    I stumbled across this blog in hopes for help or a sign. I’ve been in an off and on relationship with a meth user. I don’t do drugs, never have and never will. The only reason I allowed myself to be entangled in this mess is because I’ve known him since we were kids and I suppose my naive thoughts about drugs had a lot to do with believing what I see now are lies. I’m unfamiliar with all of this but in the last year I have noticed a routine. He tells me he loves and begs me to stay with him, I give in, it’s great for 2-3 days, then the anger mood swings, the depression and blame on everyone else on why he has nothing going for him, an full on argument, he disappears, he’s on social media trying to hook up with girls and sending nude photos and chatting with random women, I find out get upset, he blames me, finds his way home and the cycle begins again. Lol, once he even told me he got kidnapped by a person in his “circle”. I’m tired. He denies he’s an addict and states he can stop whenever he wants and he’s tired of it and wants to stop but the cycle keeps repeating itself. He’s been involved in scam after scam while in his “disappearing stage”. I’m a total law and rule follower so this is hard for me to deal with. I want to be able to walk away for good but it’s like his claws are clenched deep. I’m tired of being scared he may have drugs on him while with me or stressing over if he uses needles and is at risk for HIV or other things. He says he doesn’t but almost every other thing out of his mouth is a lie. Although he is the user I feel like I have lost control of my life. He refuses rehab because he doesn’t have a problem…..if I say I’m done I get a lecture on how I’m a mean person that is leaving him at a time that he really needs me. I don’t even know what to believe and can anyone please tell me is this a waste of my time and anxiety or is there a point to where wanting to be sober will actually happen?

  • dmarierose

    I’ve been there. You shouldn’t be treated this way by anyone. How much of your life do you want to spend this way? I spent years, waiting for him to keep promises and start getting well. Time, money, and opportunities that I can never get back. Our love doesn’t help, they have to be ready and do the work of recovery. Praying for you <3

  • dmarierose

    You can do it! Please don’t waste any more of your life this way. Peace & prayers <3

  • Some dude who has seen it all

    Tell him to beat it. He is a bum, dishonest bum at that. Plain and simple. He is a taker. He will drain you of everything that means anything to you. You will be plagued with misery for as long as you continue in this relationship. Not only should you move on, better yet , move completely away from where you are at so he cannot continue to plague you with his lies, or trap you with his deceit and guilt. He made his choices, he should be experience his choices in every way. You don’t owe him a damn thing. You have a life to live, live YOUR life YOUR way and make sure YOU are happy. You only live once and that time is not long enough to waste your time on something that will only bring misery, pain, guilt and remorse. The time to act is NOW. . Leave him in the dust and call the time you spent with him a big mistake, learn from it and never repeat it. You will be happy you did and you will finally be free live your life in peace and in harmony.

    Don’t listen to his BS about anything either. He is full of crap and is trying to drag you down into his miserable existence with him. He needs help and probably knows it but arrogance will not let him change.

  • ARSJ

    hi there, I am experiencing something so similar to your story except I haven’t known my husband from child hood I’ve only been with him for 7 years 3 of which he wasn’t a meth addict and I don’t even know how he got hooked. It is a daily battle because I’ve never used drugs and I cant wrap my head around the idea that someone cant just drop it and move on. I try to understand but in my mind I am questioning why if this substance makes you feel like crap when your not on it why would you want to put your self in this unbarable situation. to me is just plain cowardness and weakness I don’t want to judge but I’ve been around too many people and I see how they cry and they say they want to change and they do nothing about it and if and when they make an attempt its a matter of days before the go back to it. I’ve tried helping people full on support and they do nothing for them selves they expect everything to be done for them and they make up excuses of why they need to go back and get it again its a vicious cycle. I help my husband as much as I can, I am Christian and i know Gods word says to do my part as a wife even when my husband isn’t doing his part as a husband. I have to let God do his job and i have to do mine so i take care of my responsibilities, cook clean, work. take care of my kids and i support my husband in any project even if it sounds stupid or crazy yeah i get mad but I’ve learned to let it go its like talking to a wall they are not in their right state of mind so nothing you say will make a difference. i have faith that things will change soon. One thing i can say i have notice is that the better i treat my husband and give him the attention and time that he needs the better he behaves stays home shares the chores with me, communicates better with me and he’s even stopped communicating with old friends and he doesn’t go out as much he uses less day by day slowly but surely things are getting better and he has expressed to me that he is ready to change his life style.

  • Meggo Fast

    This one hurts. My name is Meg, I’m 37. I started using again and I literally pray for an od daily so don’t have to face my family finding out I’m back using. It took them years to love me again after I broke their hearts. And I did it all for a stupid asshole that walked away without a second thought. So now I’m hooked and 100% alone, not one friend who knows. If you have hope just hold on to it. Just stop using. Just STOP. FLUSH IT ALL AWAY.

  • Nicole

    Throw the drug away. Break your paraphernalia and flush the crap like I did. Its hard to do but all of you can do this and live a better life. Much love to all of you

  • Some1

    I am from Turkey, english is not my native language. So, i learned from online games..
    I was a heroin + meth (kokteyl) mixing user for 7 yrs i had no problems.. I not understand clearly but i feel you are sad about your family,your kid, your old life.. I am now 21 and i now goin die..i had a bad(death) trip when i use “bonzai” in turkey you can buy 10 tl(3,5$) like a weed. I saw my death, i saw my ATOMs, really..,When i smoke and i want to sleep then close my eyes, i will see my life in 1 sec then my brain send sounds like a “wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu” and get louder louder. I open my eyes and i cant stay then my eyes closed and sound get much loud and i was falling in a black space when i saw somethings like a atoms gettin closer and when i stop falling and drop then i saw explosion and I open my eyes quickly jumped out of bed I was so afraid, not so then i listen my heartbeat.. bum bum bum bum, goin faster and faster.. So now i am feeling death and my brain defeat me my inner sound defeat me.. i cant even get relax i know, i losing my brain.. If someone will come turkey and want use drugs.. never use “Bonzai” .. in turkey really have much dead on “death trip by bonzai” if you had this trip you can’t live even if you get normalized heartbeat. you will death.. so.. bye world. i just want a explore universe but i cant reach my dreams now i am dead..

  • Tinylilbutt

    I just had to reply to you. Re-read your blog post carefully, the “what do I do” answer is right there. Walk away, in fact run away from the relationship NOW!