Lynn’s Story: Addiction & Meth Use in Pregnancy

With two kids in DCFS custody she now uses meth to lull the pain and sadness it’s caused in her life. My heart breaks for her and her children…

i have been doing meth for almost 7 in a half yrs. i have been doing it none stop every single day for the past 2 in a half yrs. no joke every single day. infacted i just got doing a bomber which those who dont know what that is its where u take a ripped piece of toilet paper and in the middle of it u put ur choice amount of dope ball it up and pop it like a pill 20 min later bam ur high.enuff about that my story is sad just like anyone else’s that has done or is doing meth.

at first when i started doing meth it was so much fun and i  didnt at the time believe that it was that bad of a drug. infacted i actually believed this was the thing that ever came in my life so much energy and life in me that i never knew i had. me and my boyfriend(who i am still with)nick where having a blast always have sex for days at a time (no joke). and then before i knew it a year and 3 months had went by. now when i started meth i weighed 137 pounds with in the first 6 months of using i had lost 37 pounds. when i realized that i had lost a yr. and 3 months of my life and was so skinny that i looked like a walking bag of skin and bones, i freaked out nick and i by then started to have severe problems cause we had learned how to make the meth and were constantly fighting about who stole who’s dope and  severe paranoia mind set come into the picture which made think that everyone was out to get me and wanted to hurt me even nick. so i moved back to ohio where i grew up and moved back in with my parents which was a mistake cause 2 weeks later i moved out and got my own place and reconnected with my high school boyfriend who got me pregnant within the first week we were back together.

then he left me when he found out i was. thats when my life really took a turn for the worst. all of the sudden i lost my apartment my jobs and found myself bouncing from house to house friend to friend staying with them for a couple of weeks or months at a time. then when i was 7 in a half months along i started talking with nick again and decided to move back home i had been clean and sober for that whole 7 in a half months. nick swore he was too but he lied cause the day i got off the greyhound bus he stopped by our old dope dealers house to drop off a care package so he would make some dope for him. he was doing dope in front of me like it was no big deal and so did all our dope friends. i grew weak and gave in to temptation and convinced nick while he was high that it would hurt the baby (he was really high) he would do anything i told to when he was high so he gave me a line and turned his back towards me while i did it. then a month and 3 weeks later i went into labor when i was high ambulance came to my house to get me cause it was jan. and snow up to ur knees. when i got to the hostpital they asked all the normal questions but one ? was have u or r u doing drugs and i had no choice but to tell them cause here in IL its mandatory for the hostpials to take a 1st poop sample from the infant to test for drug use. after they delivered her they would let me see her or touch her at all the 4 days i was there if i wanted to see her i had to get out of bed even after just having a cesection surgery done. and walk to the nursery where a nurse was to be the room watching my every little move cause the state got involved and order them not to leave me alone with my child for i might try and run away with her.the first 8 months of her life she spent in foster care with only once a month with supervised visits then my parents flew here from ohio and when threw a horrible 8 months of their lives spending every single last dime they had to get custody of her. she has been with them for the past 3 years she will be 4 in jan of 2010.

then i went into a severe depression was trying all that i could to over dose on meth so i would die cause i still to this day can not and will not ever forgive myself. I don’t deserve to be forgiven ever. so about almost a yr went by then i stupidly got pregnant by nick with my 2nd child another girl. but this time was even 10 times worse than last. cause i was doing meth off and on during the whole 9 months but this time i didn’t admit to the hospital about my using cause i had been clean for 5 almost 6 days before i went into labor so i figured i and the baby would pass the test but no she didnt cause there was the lowest level reading on her test but i tested clean she stayed in my recovery room for the whole 3 days i was there in my arms the whole time then bam here comes the doctor the day i am supposed to go home with her and tells me and nick about the failed test and how DCFS(child services) was on their way to take her away from me. well she now lives with nicks brother and sister in law here in IL.

we get to see her every now and then she thinks that nick and i are her aunt and uncle and that kills me each and every single day of my life. she just turned 3 in aug. i hate myself so much i just wished i could do enough dope and give myself a hear attack or something cause i dont want to live anymore and i hate nick with a ever loving passion but stay with him cause he is all i have known for 8 yrs and i guess a some part of me still loves him and cares for him with a small bit of hope someday things might actually change.
I know my story was long and detailed but that honestly was the short version the things i experienced when i was really really high would blow ur mind but if u think u could handle 1 or 2 of them just blog me back or comment on my story and i will try my hardest to be as honest and open with anyone thats wants to know about them but please try not to judge me for my past or present mistakes for i do that each and every single day when I look in the mirror.

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