Hi, I don’t know really how to start this off. I was debating if I should write more as a story of my life, a letter to meth or something else. So, I will do a little of it all. My motto these days is “short and sweet” because I don’t have time for much else.
Today, I am 18 years old and have been that way for awhile; haha!! I am also pregnant which I have also been for a bit now and my due date is June 1st. I am really excited!! Another thing that I have been for a while — Actually, let me take that back; for most of my life, is a Meth addict. I have a good 5 months sober under my belt, but every day is a struggle just like day one. Currently, I am in transitional living and doing well. Life seems to be heading in the right direction.
This was not the case a short 5 months ago though, I was a completely different person, on meth.
I started using meth at age 12, specifically the week of my 12th birthday. Also, this was the year I first decided to high tail it with a 17 year old boy and lose my virginity in the park bathroom. Later on that same day I asked a friend at the time if I could spend the night at her house because me and my mom weren’t getting along after I took off. The girl said yes. I never went to school in my district because my mom wanted me to stay away from the kids in sunny slope, where I grew up. But this girl she was from the slopes and right by my mom’s house too. I go over and we do whatever girls do at 12 years old and fall asleep around
I go over and we do whatever girls do at 12 years old and fall asleep around 8pm. I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night as I usually do still to this day. I didn’t remember which door it was so I was aimlessly wandering around her house. Her dad saw me walking back up the hall I just came down because I was so lost and have given up and was heading back to bed. He stopped me and asked if I wanted to go in his room, and for some reason, I said yes even though I didn’t want to.
When I got in his room I remember it smelled like burning carpet and loads of chemicals, it was messy and I felt really out of place. So, I just stood there while he walked over to the bed side table and open the doors all fast like. I started let my eyes wander and noticed all these little orange caps on the ground like I usually see around my neighborhood. I always thought they were caps to pens or something. He caught me staring at one of the caps and asked if I wanted to sit next to him on the bed. And even though he asked if I wanted to, I still I felt like I couldn’t say no.
On the bedside table there was a spoon filled with a white salt looking substance and a little dirty piece of cotton ball floating in it. He held a needle in his hands and was turning it back and forth. Now, I knew what it was. I had learned about it in school and knew it was bad, but for someone reason, was so intrigued.
Now, the next question – why I didn’t say no, is beyond me, because all signs were saying run and hide!! But, he offered and I didn’t say anything; I just nodded. It was like he couldn’t wait long enough for me to get those words out because before I knew it I was watching him stick that needle in my arm.
I don’t remember anything that much and the stuff I do remember wasn’t real.
I started off by coughing my laughs out and trying desperately to breathe for air. His voice sounded like we were underwater and my vision was all blurry. I fell back on his bed….and that’s all that I remember that I know was real. He ended up raping me all night and in to the next day. He was covered in tattoos and I remember asking him how he got them to move and also I kept calling him different names because he literally didn’t look like the same person, I kept thinking I was in different places around the world and saw cameras all over his room.
I was scared and the next morning I hurt everywhere. I was bruised head to toe and had marks all over me. I ended up being forced to stay there and couldn’t leave for 3 weeks before I got lucky and the apartment was raided and I was found. Any normal person would think I would be traumatized and never want to be involved with the drug again. Instead, I did the exact opposite and after I was let out of the hospital I went looking for it. And thus started this addiction, where I used for 6 years and got introduced to a lot of things.
I was raped multiple times, incarcerated, hospitalized for self harm and attempting suicide. I went through experiences where many times I shouldn’t have lived, and for a while I had no hope.
When I got pregnant I was living with a 43 year old drug dealer who had a wife and a daughter and we were getting high all day, every day. He used me for sex when his wife was at work and after she came home I was supposed to clean and not get in anyone’s way. When I found out I was already 8 weeks and still using. I continued to use 4 months in to my pregnancy.
One night I got beat up, got all my stuff stolen and was coming down. I called my mom and told her I need help and that I couldn’t stop by myself. She got me in to detox and off to rehab. I spent 3 months there and got kicked out for acting aggressively towards a patient. I moved around to different sober livings and rehabs because even though I wasn’t using I didn’t want to change.
I got turned away from multiple places because I have to take Subutex (I didn’t add this in to the story because this is mainly for meth addicts, but as addicts we know we don’t turn down any drug. I started using heroin when I was 13 and continued till age 18 as well). I was homeless for a week and didn’t use even though I was living in dope houses because I didn’t want to poison myself or my child. Because of this my mom let me come home until I could find somewhere to go.
It took a month and now I have been here for a while doing my best. I appreciate my mom for giving me chance after chance and for God not taking my life or my babies life. I know before I didn’t deserve to keep my baby, but now I know I do.
Sorry, I know I said short and sweet but as I always do I got carried away. Hope you guys can related to me like I can relate to you.